Printmaking and Illustration Blog.

Bestiary of Imaginary British Animals

Jason Ibinson

Two headed Pigeon

The Two headed pigeon (Columbae, Magna Polycephalic), is a new species of pigeon that has quickly become the most commonly seen pigeon across the world. It has achieved this by breeding with other, one headed pigeons. In all recorded cases all the resulting offspring have always been born with two heads, and grown to full adulthood with no adverse consequences. The two headed pigeon usually breeds in trees and woods, laying four eggs that hatch within 10-15 days. During mating season the male two headed pigeons become very aggressive often attacking other rival males competing to mate with female birds.

Unlike most polycephalic animals, the two headed pigeon does not have to separate brains. Rather each of the heads houses separate sides of the brain. The left and right sides of the brain working in unison, allowing the pigeon to function without the complications of two brains fighting for dominance. It relies on this cooperative brain function to allow each heads singular eye to process depth perception. However like other reported polycephalic animals, the two headed pigeon does in fact, have double the amount of all its other organs, for example two hearts, four lungs, two livers, and so on. This in part accounts for the two headed pigeon’s large size. As well as this the pigeon is known for its insatiable appetite. Like other Pigeons, especially when living in cities, the two headed pigeon scavenges a lot of its food. However the two headed pigeon also does well in a wilder habitat where its main diet consists of bugs, worms, seeds, grain and berries. The two headed pigeon is also known to eat smaller animals, such as mice and smaller birds.

It is believed that the two headed pigeon has come about through natural evolution although some seek to blame human pollution for the mutation of the two headed pigeons closets animal relative the common woodpigeon, for the creation of this new and dominant species.

Naked pygmy badger

Although perhaps more similar in size and appearance to the naked mole rat, the naked pygmy badger, (Nudus Loris Melis) gets its name from its inclusion in the Mustelidae family, along with all other badgers as well as otters, polecats, weasels and wolverines. Naked pygmy badgers have short muscular bodies, unlike their fatter European badger cousins, with short legs and long claws built for digging. They have fairly short almost dog like faces, with small openings where the ears are. Like other badger the naked pygmy badgers lower jaw is attached to the upper via bones that are firmly locked into deep cavities of the skull ensuring dislocation of the jaw is almost impossible.

Like most badgers the naked pygmy badger is a social animal living alongside its own kind in deep setts, setts are usually large enough to house up to 30 of the badgers sometimes more. A sett is a badgers den, which usually consists of a network of intricate interlocking tunnels with separate areas for nesting, rearing young and toilet areas as well as numerous entrances. The larger setts can contain tunnels up to 800 meters long with as many as 60 entrances. The naked pygmy badger inherits its sett from its parents, while continuing to expand and improve the setts. In some rare cases setts can be centuries old.

Most naked pygmy badgers live together in large groups, usually referred to as clans or cetes. But some are solitary wandering creatures travelling from sett to sett. Clan size varies from 2 to 30, with most naked pygmy badgers preferring to be part of a larger clan, perhaps in order to protect themselves from larger predators. The naked pygmy badger is a nocturnal creature only venturing out of the safety of its sett in the dead of night, to search for food. Its diet consists largely of earthworms, insects and grubs as well as the eggs of ground nesting birds.

Although the naked pygmy badger’s small size leaves it vulnerable to many predators such as birds and foxes. It does however have some means of defence, its small size and nocturnal behaviour allowing it to remain largely unnoticed by many larger predators. As well as this, the rigid bones standing out from the spine are an effective deterrent to any animals trying to bite or pick up the naked pygmy badger.

It is believed that the naked pygmy badger is an ancient species of badger previously undiscovered by humanity due to their existence in deep underground caves and the small number of them that actually exist.

Armadiglet

The elusive and rarely seen Armadiglet (Foetum Armadillo), known as the Armadiglet due to its small size at full growth, is an animal hybrid, a successful cross between a pig and an armadillo. So far the specific species of the ancestral parents of the Armadiglet are as yet unidentified.

The Armadiglet retains many features of the pig, the ears, hoofs tail and snout, which like both the armadillo and the pig, has an acute sense of smell which can be used to dig into the soil to search for food. Whilst retaining these pig like features the Armadiglet gains its most notable attribute from its armadillo ancestor. The protective armour which covers this animal’s body is formed of plates of bone, covered in small overlapping scales made of horn covered bone. Like the South American three banded armadillo the Armadiglet has the ability to roll into an armoured ball in order to protect itself from predators. It also uses this function when sleeping and as a form of camouflage, as when the Armadiglet is curled into a ball it can often be mistaken for a rock.

Like both pigs and armadillos the Armadiglet is an omnivore in that it eats both plants and meat. The Armadiglet will eat almost anything allowing it to survive in almost any environment with enough water to sustain it. However as a foraging animal the Armadiglet’s diet consist mostly of leaves, grasses, fruits and flowers. Although due to the aggressive nature of wild pigs which is also seen in the Armadiglet, has been known to attack smaller animals and the nests of ground nesting birds.

Not much else is known about this rarely seen creature but, it is believed due to the Armadiglet’s small size that it may have been bred in captivity using a micro-pig due to their more similar size of the most armadillo species as well as the Armadiglet itself.

Slab Crab

The slab crab is a new species of crab related to the Chinese mitten crab and like the Chinese mitten crab has exerted its dominance over British waters, becoming the most common crab to be seen in British rivers.

Like all crabs the as the slab crab grows it moults. Losing its old shell and growing a new bigger shell. During moulting a crab can grow a re-grow a claw to replace a lost one. The moulting period is dangerous for any crab therefore they will often hide in hiding holes or nests. As when the new shell grows the exoskeleton is actually soft leaving the slab crabs vulnerable to predators, including humans, who eat the slab crab as a delicacy as well as a method of keeping down the number of slab crabs who are causing damage to other local animal life due to their aggressive nature, the slab crab will eat anything it can including other slab crabs if no other source of food is available and damage to embankments due to nests burrowed when hiding from predators.

Interestingly as the slab crab reaches its 3^rd moulting cycle the animal’s exoskeleton begins to stretch and extend forming the slab like carapace, the top part of the shell that covers the slab crabs body. This slab like shell is the slab crabs is a hard protective external skeleton protecting the crabs body. As well as an efficient form of camouflage, the crab digging a small hole in soft ground on land or under water and burying its entire body in the ground leaving only its hard slab like shell showing which can blend in many situations. Many slab crabs seen on land are often mistaken for actual paving slabs and this is from where their name is taken. The cracks and chips in the crab shell occur when the shell is damaged either from attacks from predators or the consequence of fights with other slab crabs. Slab crabs are generally aggressive towards one another and males will often fight each other in order to gain access to females or they may fight over hiding holes when places are scarce.

Vampire Hummingbird

With an approximate length of 7.5- 13cm and weighing between 2.5 – 20g, the vampire hummingbird (Lamia trochilidae) is not only the smallest bird but is the smallest living warm blooded animal in the world. The vampire hummingbird is also the only humming bird to make its home away from the Americas, instead living mostly in the United Kingdom.

Due to flexibility in the shoulders unlike any other bird the hummingbird is able to move its wings in circular figure of eight and many other motions other birds are unable to replicate, this allows the hummingbird to fly from side to side, backwards and most importantly gives the hummingbird the ability to hover. Hummingbirds originally developed this hovering ability in order to be able to feed on the nectars of exotic flowers. The vampire hummingbird however has adapted this ability to enable it to covertly suck the blood from other animals. The vampire hummingbird’s beak has developed to extremely sharp allowing it to use its hovering ability to pierce tiny hole often unnoticed by its victims the vampire hummingbird does not even have to touch its prey with anything other than its beak thanks to its ability to hover. Despite the vampire hummingbirds ability to remain it still prefers to feed on sleeping animals preferably larger creatures like cows or horses as this allows the Vampire hummingbird to gorge itself while remaining largely unnoticed. The fact that vampire hummingbird’s diet consists entirely of blood they need very little water to sustain themselves.

When trying to attract a mate the male vampire hummingbird will puff out his bright red neck feathers in order to attempt to attract a female. Failing this the male will cover his beak in blood from a recent feeding in order to show the female that it is capable of providing food. After mating the female fights off the male and raises the chicks until they are almost as big as her feeding them regurgitated blood.

It is thought that hummingbirds released in the United Kingdom. A hummingbird’s diet consists of exotic nectars and insects and then when unable to find their usual sources of food, the hummingbirds developed a taste for blood, encouraging the evolution of this species of bloodsucking hummingbird.

Lightbulb Frog

The lightbulb frog (Faciens Lucem Ranam), named for glowing vocal sacs on the side of its head, is the newest species of frog to be discovered in Britain. Closely related to the European pool frog it shares a similar distribution and can be found in Sweden and Norway as well as Britain.

Although believed to be native to Britain, origination there naturally, the light bulb frog has colouring more similar to that of European pool frog rather than that of the native pool frog. The light bulb frog can usually be found to have a green head and back, with a pale yellow belly with brown scatterings and brown legs. Most notable are the distinctive bright yellow vocal sacs located, like pool frogs, and unlike most other species of frog, on the side of its head. Like pool frogs, the lightbulb frog has a pair of vocal sacs located on the side of its head rather than a singular vocal sac located under the mouth. The average lightbulb frog can be range from 7cm – 11cm in length.

The lightbulb frog is a carnivorous creature, feeding mostly on insects. The lightbulb frog is generally only seen at night as that is the best time for it to catch its prey. When the frog inflates its vocal sacs it emits a low humming sound and at the same time the lightbulb frog releases the chemicals luciferin (a pigment) and luciferase (an enzyme) which are used in all bioluminescent animals (animals that emit light). These chemicals react with oxygen to create light. The lightbulb frog uses this ability to attract moths and other insects close to it and then grabs them with its long sticky tongue. The lightbulb frog also uses this ability in order to attract a mate. The male will produce a series of flashes with its vocal sacs in order to attract to attract a female.

The lightbulb frog’s small size leaves it vulnerable to predators such as cats, birds and foxes, as well as some smaller creatures such as the naked pygmy badgers. When in danger the lightbulb frog can also use its small size to its advantage. It will swiftly stop glowing and use its small size and agility to disappear into the darkness.

Zombie Squirrel

The zombie squirrel (Etsi Sciurus) is not in fact a zombie or some kind of undead creature as it latin name might suggest etsi sciurus meaning, undead squirrel. This aggressive squirrel is affectionately known as the zombie squirrel due to its cannibalistic nature, preferring to feast on the flesh of squirrels including other squirrels.

Although originating naturally the Zombie squirrel is often seen as a pest as it has and continues to decimate the population of both the eastern grey and red squirrels. In general the Zombie squirrel is larger, stronger and faster than other types of squirrel. Added to this that other squirrels are a zombie squirrels most common source of food has seen the population of other types of squirrel dramatically reduced, so much so that zombie squirrels have been known to eat each other and even their own young if there is no other food sources available.

It is thought that the Zombie squirrel is closely related to the eastern grey squirrel yet it has evolved to be a completely carnivorous animal, unlike other squirrels, which feed mostly on seeds and grains. Because of the Zombie squirrels carnivorous nature it has developed longer sharper teeth and claws perfect for the rending and tearing of flesh. This also accounts for the zombie squirrels increased speed and strength allowing it to successfully attack and kill other squirrels with ease, usually sneaking up on another squirrel from above or behind before quickly aiming to end the fight by taking out the throat of prey before.

The zombie squirrel is a solitary creature usually avoiding, and sometimes seen fighting with its own kind. Zombie squirrels only associate for mating purposes. The males will force themselves upon weaker females in an attempt to impregnate them. The mother will stay with young for only a short time feeding her offspring scraps of meat from her kills. When the mother abandons the young they can often attack and eat each other as source of food.

Scorpion Mouse

The Scorpion Mouse (Per Ascensum Scorpionis Murem) a genetically engineered mouse with a scorpion like tail that was illegally released into the wild and has become a common mouse to see around the world. Like the house mouse he scorpion mouse lives alongside humans although it can survive successfully in the wild where a house mouse cannot.

The scorpion mouse is almost identical to the house mouse in almost every way and has become accepted by house mice within their social activity and hierarchy. With size and weights generally the same. With an average size of 7cm – 10cm from nose to tail and an average weight of around 10g – 25g. The key physical difference of the scorpion mouse, of course, is its tail. The tail is in most ways like that of the house mouse, used for balance, climbing and for when the creature stands up on its hind legs. However the scorpion mouse tail comes complete with a non venomous sting on the end. More than anything the scorpion mouse uses this stinger to gain purchase when climbing. But when fighting rather than standing up on its back legs the scorpion mouse stays on all fours jabbing out with is tail and lunging forward to bite and scratch. Male scorpion mice have used this in order to assert themselves as the most dominant males within the house mouse hierarchy. In this way the scorpion mouse is slowly but surely eradication the house mouse population. In house mouse scorpion mouse copulation the resulting offspring is 9 times out of 10 born with a scorpion mouse tail, destroying the house mouse population whilst increasing the scorpion mouse population very quickly.

It is unknown why the scorpion mouse does not have a venomous sting, scientist suggest that because of the scorpion mouse’s largely mouse like genetic structure, it cannot create the necessary chemicals within its body required to form a natural poison.

It is also unknown where, or by who the scorpion mouse was created, but it is believed it was released by animal rights activists.