Bestiary of Imaginary
British Animals
By
Jason Ibinson
Two headed Pigeon
The Two headed pigeon (Columbae, Magna Polycephalic), is a
new species of pigeon that has quickly become the most commonly seen pigeon
across the world. It has achieved this by breeding with other, one headed
pigeons. In all recorded cases all the resulting offspring have always been
born with two heads, and grown to full adulthood with no adverse consequences.
The two headed pigeon usually breeds in trees and woods, laying four eggs that
hatch within 10-15 days. During mating season the male two headed pigeons
become very aggressive often attacking other rival males competing to mate with
female birds.
Unlike most polycephalic animals, the two headed pigeon does
not have to separate brains. Rather each of the heads houses separate sides of
the brain. The left and right sides of the brain working in unison, allowing
the pigeon to function without the complications of two brains fighting for
dominance. It relies on this cooperative brain function to allow each heads
singular eye to process depth perception. However like other reported
polycephalic animals, the two headed pigeon does in fact, have double the
amount of all its other organs, for example two hearts, four lungs, two livers,
and so on. This in part accounts for the two headed pigeon’s large size. As
well as this the pigeon is known for its insatiable appetite. Like other
Pigeons, especially when living in cities, the two headed pigeon scavenges a
lot of its food. However the two headed pigeon also does well in a wilder
habitat where its main diet consists of bugs, worms, seeds, grain and berries.
The two headed pigeon is also known to eat smaller animals, such as mice and
smaller birds.
It is believed that the two headed pigeon has come about
through natural evolution although some seek to blame human pollution for the mutation
of the two headed pigeons closets animal relative the common woodpigeon, for
the creation of this new and dominant species.
Naked pygmy badger
Although perhaps more similar in size and appearance to the
naked mole rat, the naked pygmy badger, (Nudus Loris Melis) gets its name from
its inclusion in the Mustelidae family, along with all other badgers as well as
otters, polecats, weasels and wolverines. Naked pygmy badgers have short
muscular bodies, unlike their fatter European badger cousins, with short legs
and long claws built for digging. They have fairly short almost dog like faces,
with small openings where the ears are. Like other badger the naked pygmy
badgers lower jaw is attached to the upper via bones that are firmly locked
into deep cavities of the skull ensuring dislocation of the jaw is almost
impossible.
Like most badgers the naked pygmy badger is a social animal
living alongside its own kind in deep setts, setts are usually large enough to
house up to 30 of the badgers sometimes more. A sett is a badgers den, which
usually consists of a network of intricate interlocking tunnels with separate
areas for nesting, rearing young and toilet areas as well as numerous
entrances. The larger setts can contain tunnels up to 800 meters long with as
many as 60 entrances. The naked pygmy badger inherits its sett from its
parents, while continuing to expand and improve the setts. In some rare cases
setts can be centuries old.
Most naked pygmy badgers live together in large groups,
usually referred to as clans or cetes. But some are solitary wandering
creatures travelling from sett to sett. Clan size varies from 2 to 30, with most
naked pygmy badgers preferring to be part of a larger clan, perhaps in order to
protect themselves from larger predators. The naked pygmy badger is a nocturnal
creature only venturing out of the safety of its sett in the dead of night, to
search for food. Its diet consists largely of earthworms, insects and grubs as
well as the eggs of ground nesting birds.
Although the naked pygmy badger’s small size leaves it
vulnerable to many predators such as birds and foxes. It does however have some
means of defence, its small size and nocturnal behaviour allowing it to remain
largely unnoticed by many larger predators. As well as this, the rigid bones
standing out from the spine are an effective deterrent to any animals trying to
bite or pick up the naked pygmy badger.
It is believed that the naked pygmy badger is an ancient
species of badger previously undiscovered by humanity due to their existence in
deep underground caves and the small number of them that actually exist.
Armadiglet
The elusive and rarely seen Armadiglet (Foetum Armadillo),
known as the Armadiglet due to its small size at full growth, is an animal
hybrid, a successful cross between a pig and an armadillo. So far the specific
species of the ancestral parents of the Armadiglet are as yet unidentified.
The Armadiglet retains many features of the pig, the ears,
hoofs tail and snout, which like both the armadillo and the pig, has an acute
sense of smell which can be used to dig into the soil to search for food.
Whilst retaining these pig like features the Armadiglet gains its most notable
attribute from its armadillo ancestor. The protective armour which covers this
animal’s body is formed of plates of bone, covered in small overlapping scales
made of horn covered bone. Like the South American three banded armadillo the
Armadiglet has the ability to roll into an armoured ball in order to protect
itself from predators. It also uses this function when sleeping and as a form
of camouflage, as when the Armadiglet is curled into a ball it can often be
mistaken for a rock.
Like both pigs and armadillos the Armadiglet is an omnivore
in that it eats both plants and meat. The Armadiglet will eat almost anything
allowing it to survive in almost any environment with enough water to sustain
it. However as a foraging animal the Armadiglet’s diet consist mostly of
leaves, grasses, fruits and flowers. Although due to the aggressive nature of
wild pigs which is also seen in the Armadiglet, has been known to attack
smaller animals and the nests of ground nesting birds.
Not much else is known about this rarely seen creature but,
it is believed due to the Armadiglet’s small size that it may have been bred in
captivity using a micro-pig due to their more similar size of the most
armadillo species as well as the Armadiglet itself.
Slab Crab
The slab crab is a
new species of crab related to the Chinese mitten crab and like the Chinese
mitten crab has exerted its dominance over British waters, becoming the most
common crab to be seen in British rivers.
Like all crabs the as the slab crab grows it moults. Losing
its old shell and growing a new bigger shell. During moulting a crab can grow a
re-grow a claw to replace a lost one. The moulting period is dangerous for any
crab therefore they will often hide in hiding holes or nests. As when the new shell
grows the exoskeleton is actually soft leaving the slab crabs vulnerable to
predators, including humans, who eat the slab crab as a delicacy as well as a
method of keeping down the number of slab crabs who are causing damage to other
local animal life due to their aggressive nature, the slab crab will eat
anything it can including other slab crabs if no other source of food is
available and damage to embankments due to nests burrowed when hiding from
predators.
Interestingly as the slab crab reaches its 3rd
moulting cycle the animal’s exoskeleton begins to stretch and extend forming
the slab like carapace, the top part of the shell that covers the slab crabs
body. This slab like shell is the slab crabs is a hard protective external
skeleton protecting the crabs body. As well as an efficient form of camouflage,
the crab digging a small hole in soft ground on land or under water and burying
its entire body in the ground leaving only its hard slab like shell showing
which can blend in many situations. Many slab crabs seen on land are often
mistaken for actual paving slabs and this is from where their name is taken.
The cracks and chips in the crab shell occur when the shell is damaged either
from attacks from predators or the consequence of fights with other slab crabs.
Slab crabs are generally aggressive towards one another and males will often
fight each other in order to gain access to females or they may fight over
hiding holes when places are scarce.
Vampire Hummingbird
With an approximate length of 7.5- 13cm and weighing between
2.5 – 20g, the vampire hummingbird (Lamia trochilidae) is not only the smallest
bird but is the smallest living warm blooded animal in the world. The vampire
hummingbird is also the only humming bird to make its home away from the
Americas, instead living mostly in the United Kingdom.
Due to flexibility in the shoulders unlike any other bird
the hummingbird is able to move its wings in circular figure of eight and many
other motions other birds are unable to replicate, this allows the hummingbird
to fly from side to side, backwards and most importantly gives the hummingbird
the ability to hover. Hummingbirds originally developed this hovering ability
in order to be able to feed on the nectars of exotic flowers. The vampire
hummingbird however has adapted this ability to enable it to covertly suck the
blood from other animals. The vampire hummingbird’s beak has developed to
extremely sharp allowing it to use its hovering ability to pierce tiny hole
often unnoticed by its victims the vampire hummingbird does not even have to
touch its prey with anything other than its beak thanks to its ability to
hover. Despite the vampire hummingbirds ability to remain it still prefers to
feed on sleeping animals preferably larger creatures like cows or horses as
this allows the Vampire hummingbird to gorge itself while remaining largely
unnoticed. The fact that vampire hummingbird’s diet consists entirely of blood
they need very little water to sustain themselves.
When trying to attract a mate the male vampire hummingbird
will puff out his bright red neck feathers in order to attempt to attract a
female. Failing this the male will cover his beak in blood from a recent
feeding in order to show the female that it is capable of providing food. After
mating the female fights off the male and raises the chicks until they are
almost as big as her feeding them regurgitated blood.
It is thought that hummingbirds released in the United
Kingdom. A hummingbird’s diet consists of exotic nectars and insects and then
when unable to find their usual sources of food, the hummingbirds developed a
taste for blood, encouraging the evolution of this species of bloodsucking
hummingbird.
Lightbulb Frog
The lightbulb frog (Faciens Lucem Ranam), named for glowing
vocal sacs on the side of its head, is the newest species of frog to be
discovered in Britain. Closely related to the European pool frog it shares a
similar distribution and can be found in Sweden and Norway as well as Britain.
Although believed to be native to Britain, origination there
naturally, the light bulb frog has colouring more similar to that of European
pool frog rather than that of the native pool frog. The light bulb frog can
usually be found to have a green head and back, with a pale yellow belly with
brown scatterings and brown legs. Most notable are the distinctive bright
yellow vocal sacs located, like pool frogs, and unlike most other species of
frog, on the side of its head. Like pool frogs, the lightbulb frog has a pair
of vocal sacs located on the side of its head rather than a singular vocal sac
located under the mouth. The average
lightbulb frog can be range from 7cm – 11cm in length.
The lightbulb frog is a carnivorous creature, feeding mostly
on insects. The lightbulb frog is generally only seen at night as that is the
best time for it to catch its prey. When the frog inflates its vocal sacs it
emits a low humming sound and at the same time the lightbulb frog releases the
chemicals luciferin (a pigment)
and luciferase (an enzyme) which are used in all bioluminescent
animals (animals that emit light). These chemicals react with oxygen to create
light. The lightbulb frog uses this ability to attract moths and other insects
close to it and then grabs them with its long sticky tongue. The lightbulb frog also uses this ability in
order to attract a mate. The male will produce a series of flashes with its
vocal sacs in order to attract to attract a female.
The lightbulb frog’s small size
leaves it vulnerable to predators such as cats, birds and foxes, as well as
some smaller creatures such as the naked pygmy badgers. When in danger the
lightbulb frog can also use its small size to its advantage. It will swiftly
stop glowing and use its small size and agility to disappear into the
darkness.
Zombie Squirrel
The zombie squirrel (Etsi Sciurus)
is not in fact a zombie or some kind of undead creature as it latin name might
suggest etsi sciurus meaning, undead squirrel. This aggressive squirrel is
affectionately known as the zombie squirrel due to its cannibalistic nature,
preferring to feast on the flesh of squirrels including other squirrels.
Although originating naturally the
Zombie squirrel is often seen as a pest as it has and continues to decimate the
population of both the eastern grey and red squirrels. In general the Zombie
squirrel is larger, stronger and faster than other types of squirrel. Added to this that other squirrels are a zombie
squirrels most common source of food has seen the population of other types of
squirrel dramatically reduced, so much so that zombie squirrels have been known
to eat each other and even their own young if there is no other food sources
available.
It is thought that the Zombie
squirrel is closely related to the eastern grey squirrel yet it has evolved to
be a completely carnivorous animal, unlike other squirrels, which feed mostly on
seeds and grains. Because of the Zombie squirrels carnivorous nature it has
developed longer sharper teeth and claws perfect for the rending and tearing of
flesh. This also accounts for the zombie squirrels increased speed and strength
allowing it to successfully attack and kill other squirrels with ease, usually
sneaking up on another squirrel from above or behind before quickly aiming to
end the fight by taking out the throat of prey before.
The zombie squirrel is a solitary
creature usually avoiding, and sometimes seen fighting with its own kind.
Zombie squirrels only associate for mating purposes. The males will force
themselves upon weaker females in an attempt to impregnate them. The mother
will stay with young for only a short time feeding her offspring scraps of meat
from her kills. When the mother abandons the young they can often attack and
eat each other as source of food.
Scorpion Mouse
The Scorpion Mouse (Per Ascensum
Scorpionis Murem) a genetically engineered mouse with a scorpion like tail that
was illegally released into the wild and has become a common mouse to see
around the world. Like the house mouse he scorpion mouse lives alongside humans
although it can survive successfully in the wild where a house mouse cannot.
The scorpion mouse is almost
identical to the house mouse in almost every way and has become accepted by
house mice within their social activity and hierarchy. With size and weights
generally the same. With an average size of 7cm – 10cm from nose to tail and an
average weight of around 10g – 25g. The key physical difference of the scorpion
mouse, of course, is its tail. The tail is in most ways like that of the house
mouse, used for balance, climbing and for when the creature stands up on its
hind legs. However the scorpion mouse tail comes complete with a non venomous
sting on the end. More than anything the scorpion mouse uses this stinger to
gain purchase when climbing. But when fighting rather than standing up on its
back legs the scorpion mouse stays on all fours jabbing out with is tail and
lunging forward to bite and scratch. Male scorpion mice have used this in order
to assert themselves as the most dominant males within the house mouse
hierarchy. In this way the scorpion mouse is slowly but surely eradication the
house mouse population. In house mouse scorpion mouse copulation the resulting
offspring is 9 times out of 10 born with a scorpion mouse tail, destroying the
house mouse population whilst increasing the scorpion mouse population very
quickly.
It is unknown why the scorpion
mouse does not have a venomous sting, scientist suggest that because of the
scorpion mouse’s largely mouse like genetic structure, it cannot create the
necessary chemicals within its body required to form a natural poison.
It is also unknown where, or by who
the scorpion mouse was created, but it is believed it was released by animal
rights activists.
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